So, my mom is now letting me work out at the gym (Which means I've gained enough wait to work out now... Eww..), but now I can get rid of that weight now that I've gained. Which is awesome! I was going to go today, however, my mom had me move it to tomorrow because I have a doctors appointment and then I have to go to my aunts to help move. Kind of bummed me out, but I'm not gonna let it get me down. She's gonna let me for there 5 times a week. Saweet!

If I spend 2 hours a day, 5 times a week working out, and staying on a 200 calorie a day diet, everything will go back to as it was. I'm kind of impatient... But, if I want to be happy like I use to, I'm just going to have to be patient...

Starting the 25th of this month, I'm going to begin being home schooled. To be honest, I'm really relieved that this happened. I've always learned better when I actually reading it for myself and not sitting in a classroom with other kids feeling like I'm going out of my fucking mind! I swear, for me, when I walk into a classroom, any desire to want to learn something just washes away. Suddenly, when I'm sitting there, listening to the squeaky, noisy voice coming out of the teachers mouth, I just begin to not care anymore...

However, when I'm on my own and reading and learning by myself, I've come to realize I learn more and actually understand it. So, this may be for the best; Being home schooled and all. It'll bring my GPA up, AND they say if I finish the courses I need, I could begin college course before the end of senior year! I thought that was pretty kool. I could do business class; The only class I'd really go to college for; And then I'd have that degree and go to culinary school. It's a thought.

The whole reason I'm being home schooled now is because of absences; And grades. I'm a slacker. Big time. A skipper too. I just don't have much of a motivation to go to school and sit down to stare into space. I think they said I'd missed 20 or so days of school... I'm not sure. I wasn't at the meeting. But not all of them were because I didn't want to go to school; Actually, most of them were due to medical reasons. With frequent visits to the doctors and constant sickness, it was hard going to school all the time.

That was when the school stepped in and decided to see what was going on. They were actually nice about it. Very understanding. And they're helping me out a lot by doing this for me. I think all of this will end for the better.

Watched the movies Death Note 1 and 2 today. I'd been meaning to do this for some time now, being that I really, really loved the Manga as well as the Anime to the series Death Note. Today I finally got around to finally watching the movies, and I gotta say, that were very, very well done. I think I can say that they were even better than the anime and the manga them selfs! It was that good. That actors were perfect! They picked picture perfect actors for the characters. Light Yagami looked just like from the manga, as well as L.

I was most amazed with the actor that played L. His acting was very well, and he looked just like L. Splitting image in my opinion. I loved how they kept that fact that L loves sweets. They were sure to have L with some kind of sweet candy in ever skit. His favorite seemed to be the golden wrapped chocolate. I found it kind of funny how they did that.

All in all, awesome movie. Very, very good. Much, much better than the anime and the manga. Give huge ass props to the director.

Struggling to get back on track... I gained about 15 pounds in less than a month. I've gained so much weight and can't stand it. Need to lose weight before Valentines Days, that's my goal. Gonna start working out again; But this time, at a Gym. Keeps me more dedicated to want to work out more and lose weight. Can't stand my skin right now... I hate myself. I'm disgusting.

Only have an apple a day for this week. Need to lose the extra weight I've gained. I blaming it on my boyfriend, really. He's been taking me out to eat all the time, and I've been having trouble resist... I've even gone to McDonalds! Oh fuck! But I feel pretty confident that I can lose this extra weight that I've gained over the past month and to get back to my 90 pounds point. That's really the only weight that I feel comfortable and actually feel 'happy'.

I've told my boyfriend that I'm not going to be eating for some time now because I'm not happy with my weight. He said 'ok' and said he wouldn't mention food around me. I think I'm pretty lucky to have him as my boyfriend. I know that a lot of guys wouldn't put up with an anorexic girlfriend. But some how, he does. I asked him once why he puts up with it. He said "I wants you to be happy." And he said "I knows that if you don't like yourself, than there is no way you'll be happy. How can you love me if you don't love yourself?" It took me by surprise, but it's true. I'm lucky. Because I know no one would put up with me with my eating habits. Or my own self drama.

I'm on another fucking fast. I don't know what happen yesterday but somehow I managed to gain 4 pounds! And all I had was two chicken breast! I'm hoping that tomorrow the weight will be gone and I'm hoping that the weight was just from all the water I drank! I had about 15 bottles of water to, One, get the laxatives through my system quicker, and two, to not let myself binge. Which, I didn't binge. So, I'm hoping that tomorrow, the weight that seems to of come will be gone tomorrow.

My fast started today. I won't allow myself to eat till Saturday, and whatever it is I eat on Saturday will be something EXTREMELY small! Then, I fast for a week! I need to stay to this plan! I MUST MUST MUST! And I need to keep it hidden from my mother; I feel her getting suspicious....

Chris is started to fast to. I think my not eating is affecting him now. He wants to lose weight too. I'm good with it and all since I'm pro-ana, I just don't want him to be skinnier than me!!! But he says he doesn't want to be skinnier than me; He says he won't feel like a 'Mann' if he is. Haha. We joke about that a lot because his last name is Mann. Chris Mann. Haha.

Things with me and Chris are great now. Kyle learned to back off. And I'm happy :] With the relationship that is; I hate myself right now... Damn fat!!

And I'm depressed about school. It's not that school is depressing, its me being depressed over the fact that I don't get to see one of the closest friends of mine. She was truly one of the only real 'girlfriend' I've honestly ever made. I was always one of the boys. The one playing Power Rangers. The one who didn't care that I was covered in dirt. The one who played video games. The one who found action figures cooler than Barbie.

I've developed a lot of things that of a girl, yes, and my apperance changed from that of a tomboy to a girly-girl, yes, but I'm still ME inside. The one who doesn't find anything special to squeal in excitement when theres a cute boy talking to you or talk about guys and popularity all the time. I'm me.

She was so easy to talk to. I don't honestly talk easy with anyone. I usually feel like I need to come up with somethings, expectially when its a girl. I'm social retarded when it comes to communicating with girls because I honestly don't know what to talk to them about without boring myself. But Ideanna was different. It almost felt like she was my little sister; If you can really call her little...

She helped me a lot last year and the year before that. I would talk to her about my problems and what not and she'd do the same. We related over a lot of things and agreed on the same of things. She would try to help me as much as she could as would I in return. I just miss her. I feel kind of, well, not completely there when at school. There are friends that I have and talk to them and whatnot, but I want to talk with her; Hang out with her. Not people that I really don't have any interest in talking with at all...

It's going to take me awhile to adapt to school...

    I slipped last night and today. I was doing good yesterday, but I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep because I was thinking about food. So I got up and ate a bunch of peanut butter crackers and chocolate. Then this morning I made French Fries with two Baked Potatoes. Damn it! I use to be able to control this shit!

    Today, after eating the French Fries, I tried to vomit it out. I've never made myself vomit, but I've been getting scared, and I don't want this weight. I can't control it anymore. I couldn't do it though. My throat began to hurt and now its burning. So much for that....

    I took another laxative. These things are too addicting. I want to stop, but I can't. I did a research on them yesterday to make sure they weren't too dangerous, though I knew they were dangerous to be taking with out need. I found this on the Pro-Ana site:

"They're habit-forming in that after a period of time your digestive system will not function without them. Overdoses of laxatives can dehydrate you to the point of death, or rupture your intestines."

    Though I know that, I still can't stop. I don't know what to do anymore...

"I was not allowed to think about him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The trade-off was the never ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I'd chosen nothing.

I waited for the pain now. I was not numb - My senses felt unusually intense after so many months of the haze - but the normal pain held off. The only ache was the disappointment that his voice was fading. Now I lay in my bed, resigned as the pain finally made its appearance.

It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded my nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain - the aching loss that radiated out from my chest sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head - but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it." 

I had a dream that i wish I did not. Just makes me remember things in the past; But I cant help but think about them...

Ive still been asking myself why? Why am I still here? Why do I still wonder this earth? This earth at which is so lonely?

People brake my trust; I forgiven, but just when you least expect it; It's broken once more. Im a true fool; And people wonder as to why I can never trust people. Simple. It's been broken one to many times...

I hate being here; I want to be there; With u. The one person in this entire world that understands me. The one person who knows me. The real me.

I cant stand being here. I hate it. Here; HERE I am so alone; Lonely... I don't have 'Real' Friend; No 'true' friends that I can call my own.

I tell myself: "You know u want to stay here... But am I just fooling myself??? Do I really want to be here?" I'm waiting for only one thing in life.But... Will I get it? Will it really come? Does it want to come?

I have those times when I just want to cry... Like now; But no ones here to comfort me. But why would I want to cry? I don't know why I am this way and I don't understand why I am the way I am.


I had a dream... (Sounds like Dr. Martin Lutheran King)
That I was just walking with Chris, Kendall as well as my cousin Drayton. For some reason Drayton was recording everything we were doing, for who knows why, and Chris looks at me and asks whats wrong. I just gave him like a drozzy look and said it was nothing...

Time when on a little longer and we were still walking and all of a sudden I was tripping on my step and I couldn't walk right. Chris looks and see's me fall and goes over to me and starts asking in 'Whats wrong? Whats Wrong?'
I just smiled for some reason and then - pasted out. But I wasn't waking up. Kendall called 911 and they appeared out of no where and preformed CPR. After about a minute or two - they stopped. They then told them I was dead. All of a sudden it went dead quiet.

Chris started to come over to me my dead stiff body. And struggled a weak smile and strobed my face softly with tear falling down his face. He nodded his no, like he couldn't believe it. In denial.

Then, some how, I slowly began to open my eyes. [no main character can die xD] And extended my weary hand to Chris' face, and strobed my hand on his cheek. His grew huge with shock. His tortured face when to a huge, relieved grin. He embraced me and started to cry even more, in happiness this time.

Then; I woke up.
Crying; I woke up crying. Because I didn't want to see that; I didn't want to see someone cry; None the less have to see Chris cry; It made me realize; I don't want to die.
I dont want to desapear...because...
I have something in life worth staying for.

Have you ever thought;
What if I died? Would anyone morn or cry for you or notice you?
How they would actually think something of you; How they would finally realize what they did to you; And how they never noticed how I've been feeling the whole time while they were blinded by my fake smiles. How I was crying inside and how I morned to just disappear; to escape reality. How much I just wanted to leave everything behind;

But more than anything, they would see how much I just wanted to be noticed, but never got. How I just wanted to be embraced; Feel warmth. To feel loved. And to help me stand and catch my tears. How I just wanted to feel love; How I just wanted to have someone I could call a friend; How I could just go to someone and feel they cared for what I have to say and to understand.

But most of all; to have someone standing by my side no matter what.
To just not be... Alone.

These thought go through my head all the time.
And it makes me think; I just want to die...